the october roundup
reading recommendations, one very special playlist, & everything else your heart could possibly desire
hamburg, germany: leaves turning outside anni’s window, baguettes baking inside anni’s oven, the whole house a nest, a cove.
cat cafe: the fluffiest one sniffs my coat, sniffs my boots, sniffs my shin. allows me exactly three pets before she struts off to find greener, less demanding pastures. cathood: both time & space. i am honored to be welcomed here.
amsterdam: everything palette-like, everything colored just so. canal upon canal upon canal upon canal — where is the root? water, slow; water, steady; water, home.
amsterdam, at night: techno, tuesday, whiskey equal parts smart and stupid. eyeliner, black dress, black shirt, black boots. go-go dress. mod like. putting the past into the morning.
leuven: whitened, all of it, the churches looking like they’re carved out of bone, the bone looking like it came straight from the ribs of mother earth. intricate, ornate, ritualistic; incense, sainthood, rooftops taller than god himself.
antwerp, barely: sniffles, and cold, and shakshouka with haley to warm the bones; dosas, extra mint chutney, and a whole day with the blanket on like a cape. haley walking, haley laughing, haley sending pictures from the road and the city.
brugge, inside: immaculate, imperceptible, exact. bicycles, everywhere. schoolchildren, riding home in their bright yellow vests. a cat, meowing plaintively, stuck in a tree. old — older than me and you and karsyn and cyrus and abbey and everyone all put together and multiplied by each other. older than bone. older than earth. older than mountains.
leuven, alone: everything heightened, everything bleached whalebone, everything carved into a feast. the auditorium. coliseum. cathedral. all of it ancient, all of it ivory.
amsterdam, again: the house on the far edge of town. fuji film and photography retrospectives and in bed by ten pm. the tv, always quiet in the other room, always playing something you can almost hear, but can’t quite decipher.
budapest, lonely: cider, or the berry drink, the one you can’t pronounce in any of your usual tongues; none of it coming together, none of the nights sewn into anything other than hangovers.
budapest, airbnb: bed, big enough for more than just the two of you; ceilings higher than anything you’ve seen the inside of in months. both of you drunk, both of you laughing, both of you drinking ice cream and coffee for breakfast.
budapest, alone: phone calls. hope like a leash, hope like a chokehold, hope like a dagger. cupid & carla & the future swinging itself into view like a drunken shipwreck, none of the pieces you thought you’d have left in your hands, none of the stories you thought had finished staying in their grave. lurching outward, lurching upward, all of it demanding you to do to the thing you are terrified of doing — namely, to be here. to be here now. to sit at the heart of everything, and see exactly how the world ends, and still choose to watch it go.
in chronological order: budapest antwerp brugge leuven amsterdam hamburg.
highlights: pushing haley on the swing in the old converted church in brugge; eating belgian fries on the steps of a nightclub talking about our mothers; making out with s. in the ruin pub; spending twenty-four hours reading and writing and drawing on the train; annika & coziness & running errands in hamburg before the party; my patreon launch; walking around the canals with no plan & no money just seeing where the day would go.
lowlights: loneliness; phone calls from a broken home; the call is coming from inside the house; writer’s block; self-doubt; loads of judgement; feeling like i can’t speak my mind; resentments; my patreon launch; breaking my suitcase at the amsterdam station; not having any clue who to call; realizing my socks were wet. more loneliness.
neutrals: the realization that it is what it is. remembering what last march felt like. thinking you’ve met someone & it’s going somewhere but then suddenly it veers off. the almost of meeting someone coalescing into the realization that the times you have met people — truly, really, deep down met them — you were being gifted with something greater than grace. luckiness, as in theory; luckiness, as in a fickle god. finishing the book you started forever ago. tea with subpar oat milk.
chaotic neutrals: the realization that it is what it is. luck as god, artist as trickster. game theory. chance theory. con man. quantum mechanics. not kissing anyone unless it’s real. not kissing anyone unless you think they deserve to be kissed. long distance games of telephone. ketamine quests. listening to the same three songs four hundred times in four days. reclaiming your power. reclaiming your narrative. reclaiming your luck.
soundtrack of the month:
lost in the world — kanye west (my beautiful dark twisted fantasy)
me at the museum, you in the wintergardens — tiny ruins (brightly painted one)
clouds — wildlife freeway (sunny)
august (acoustic) — flipturn (single)
come on, come on, come on — eli smart (come on, come on, come on)
people can’t stop chillin’ — sports (people can’t stop chillin’)
election day — blaze foley (sittin’ by the road)
lover, you should’ve come over — jeff buckley (grace)
fourth of july — sufjan stevens (carrie & lowell)
skylight — pinegrove (skylight)
whisky story time — alabaster deplume (to cy & lee: instrumentals, vol. 1)
love song for lady earth — del water gap (1 (646) 943 2672)
on your way — alabama shakes (boys & girls)
hit em where it hurts — pawpaw rod (hit em where it hurts)
elixir — tourist (wild)
just a kid — lucy michelle & the velvet lapelles (heat)
little dark age — mgmt (little dark age)
buzzut season — lorde (pure heroine)
the difference — flume, toro y moi (the diference)
epilogue — the antlers (hospice)
jusfayu — kamauu & no wyld (a gorgeous fortune ep)
there, there — the wonder years (the greatest generation)
je te laisserie des mots — patrick watson (je te laisserie de mots)
do i ever cross your mind — chet atkins and dolly parton (the master and his music)
like a virgin — madonna (like a virgin)
my dog’s eyes — zammuto (veryone)
you & me (flume remix) — disclosure, eliza doolittle, flume (settle)
tom’s diner — annenmaykantereit and giant rooks (tom’s diner)
once upon a lucid dream (in afrikaans) — kishi baski (lighght)
how deep is your love — pj morton (gumbo)
agnes — glass animals (how to be a human being)
here they come — hamilton leithauser (the loves of your life)
spirit desire — tigers jaw (spirit desire)
kids — current joys (kids)
in the room where you sleep — dead man’s bones (dead man’s bones)
days go by — may erlewine and woody goss (anyway)
all that you have is your soul — tracy chapman (crossroads)
weird honey — elvis depressedly (holo pleasures / california dreamin’)
mine — beyonce feat. drake (beyonce)
sunflower — rex orange county (sunflower)
nothing compares 2 u — sinead o’connor (i do not want what i haven’t got)
menswear — the 1975 (the 1975)
les tulipes — iliona (tristesse)
i wanna love you — just friends (nothing but love)
missed calls — mac miller (blue slide park)
presumably dead arm — sidney gish (617 sessions)
listen to it here
essays, interviews, and one (relatively) short piece of fiction:
1. normal people, jane austen, and the romance of walking around by scarlett vicc
tags: literary analysis, romantic theory, the narrative vs. real life
pairs well with: this quote
2. analyzing the kardashians: how psychotherapist and media theorist mj corey views their cultural sway by evan nicole brown
tags: cultural analysis, media literacy, ways of constructing & seeing reality
pairs well with: existential dread, jia tolentino’s essay on the age of instagram face
(note: you can — and should!- follow mj’s critical work on instagram, subscribe to their substack, or wherever the young people are using tiktok)
3. the enduring allure of choose your own adventure books by leslie jamison
tags: nostalgia, literary theory, the narrative vs. real life
pairs well with: footie pajamas, the land before time, reading a whole book in one afternoon
4. the right to not be pregnant by charlotte shane
tags: feminism & politics, bodily autonomy, abortion rights
pairs well with: rage, judith jarvis thompson’s defense of abortion
5. the watcher: the true story of 657 boulevard by reeves weidman
tags: true crime deconstruction, american individualism, the suburban imagination
pairs well with: andy warhol, rear window, edward hopper
6. this miracle plant was eaten into extinction 2,000 years ago — or was it? by taras grescoe
tags: cultural geography, botany, climate change
pairs well with: medieval cookery, lying in bed thinking about the universe, whatever helps you foster small strains of hope
7. how to nurture a personal library by freya howarth
tags: reading, systems & organizational methods, self care and self empowerment
pairs well with: a trip to the library, sitting on the floor sorting through boxes of stuff, reading old letters and birthday cards
8. stone skipping is a lost art. kurt steiner wants the world to find it by sean williams
tags: personality portraits, iconoclasts, zen theory
pairs well with: a trip to the lake, stone in hand
9. the ghost birds by karen russell
tags: haunting fiction, science fiction & fantasy, climate change
pairs well with: the short story by ted chiang linked below
longer reads:
1. how to blow up a pipeline by andreas malm (tags: climate change, political theory, protest theory)
2. regarding the pain of others by susan sontag (tags: photography, media theory, rights & responsibilities of the artist)
3. stories of your life and others by ted chiang (tags: haunting fiction, science fiction & fantasy, linguistics)
final thoughts & everything else:
1. ifffffffffffff you make art or want to learn to make art (which is really just about learning how to get out of your own way!), i’m now offering an online version of the artist’s workshop i’ve been leading for four years! it’s fun, it’s affordable, and it’s pretty damn helpful (if i do say so myself). subscriptions start at just $10/mo and go up to $20, depending on the level of personalized instruction you want to receive.
2. if you enjoy this newsletter, consider upgrading to a paid subscription for only $5/mo! your support helps me continue setting aside time to write & also acts as a very kind show of support in an occasionally thankless vocation.
3. and finally — an exercise to take with you into november and beyond.
ciao bellas!!!
love you! mean it!!! bye!!!!!
the manic pixie dream girl’s guide to existential angst is a free newsletter (and the occasional poem) from joelle schumacher. if you enjoy their work or would like to support it, you can become a paid subscriber, subscribe to or write in to their advice column, or buy them a coffee. they also offer an online creative recovery workshop, for poets & artists of all stripes.
you can find more info here.
