ask jojo: how do i set boundaries?
dear jojo,
i know that i am naturally a people pleaser and have worked hard to become more selfish in that regard. i find myself becoming stronger as time goes on, but i notice i still tend to let people in my life forget that boundaries exist. this leaves me to establish them at a later point, once people have already grown accustomed to a certain level of access to me, which then leads to the boundary-setting feeling almost impossible. what’s your advice to start practicing setting healthy boundaries and feeling confident in being assertive as opposed to feeling mean?
sincerely,
people pleaser
dear people pleaser,
the first step to setting boundaries is acknowledging that boundaries deserve to be set, which it seems like you have already done. this question to me feels like a question on how to set boundaries once they’ve already been violated, or when we’ve already become so enmeshed with people that the boundary between us and them feels almost dissolved. the good thing about boundaries is that they’re flexible: you have the right to change them as frequently or infrequently as you desire, and to do so without explaining yourself to others. explaining them helps to reinforce them occasionally, or can help others to make sense of the internal landscapes of our head enough that our boundaries are understood as reasonable as opposed to unreasonable requests. but ultimately we can ask for things without explaining them, especially to people who willfully misunderstand even our most eloquent attempts at healthy & clear communication.
i think a lot of people struggle with boundaries because it feels silly or excessive to establish boundaries in the beginning stages of a new relationship, whether it’s romantic or not. oftentimes when we meet someone and form a fast bond with them, we become infatuated precisely because it feels easy to get along with one another. we tend to gravitate toward people who seem to be operating on similar philosophical and practical levels as us, people who we naturally agree with or who tend to believe in the same things as us. this is normal, and probably natural — it seems theoretically ridiculous to willingly enter into a relationship with someone whose fundamental understanding of life is diametrically opposed to ours, or whose political beliefs would place at us risk of dehumanization or violence. but oftentimes precisely because our friendships and relationships form so naturally, and with so little conflict in the beginning, we don’t really learn how to set boundaries with the people who end up being closest to us.
the struggle you’re describing reminds me somewhat of the (very heterosexual, patriarchal) idea that discussing what someone wants or needs out of a romantic relationship up front is an overzealous, ill-advised move. women are taught to not vocalize or articulate their needs up front, and to instead wait until some sort of emotional or physical bond has been established before they are “allowed” to discuss the relationship on serious terms. it’s as if we as a culture are afraid that if we let our needs be known right away, we will scare everyone away with the reality of our desires. but we all need things from one another, all have lines that we don’t want crossed and specific configurations and rituals and habits that we need to feel steady and stable and secure in our relationships. the idea that asking for these things up front is somehow a dog whistle for someone over-emotional, over needy, over whatever, is really just a cultural norm asking us to shrink ourselves and to depend on the mercy of others’ kindnesses, once we’ve formed emotional bonds already, to get what we want, as if asking for what we want up front is an automatic disqualification from getting it.
part of this is because sometimes we get along with someone so well, so naturally, right from the get-go that the idea of setting boundaries can seem absurd or just unnecessary. who wants to ruin a fun fling or a good connection by acknowledging the reality that we’re going to hurt one another, or that despite the easy and fun flow state we’re currently in things will not always remain so? we shy away from verbalizing boundaries in the beginning because we don’t want to jinx what we have going on, and to speak things out loud — to acknowledge how vulnerable a person makes us feel, or the depth of our feelings for one another — feels like placing a magnifying glass on our situations, one that invites the universe’s attention and thus places it at risk of being fucked with. but to live in fear of the evil eye turning its gaze on us or to live with the belief that speaking out loud what’s happening in front of or inside of us will automatically ruin it is to let fear run our lives and decisions and relationships. we deserve healthy, clear communication, and we deserve the opportunity to tell people what we’re feeling and what we’d like and what our nonnegotiables are. if it can be ruined by the truth, it probably deserves to be.
if you can, start practicing setting boundaries at the beginning of relationships. a lot of the preliminary, pre-hangout conversations we engage in with people are actually more subtle forms of boundary-setting: having a friend fly in to visit and discussing how long they should come for, agreeing to go on a date with someone, talking about sex before we actually do it with someone, telling our friend we have to finish some work or fold our laundry before we come over. we just don’t necessarily think of these conversations as boundaries, because we’re trained to see boundaries as only the big, scary moments instead of a continually unfolding, mutually agreed upon terrain that we navigate together. setting a boundary with someone slightly alters the terrain, but it’s not as if we’ve conjured a wall from nowhere and placed it in between ourself and the other person. everything we do and say in relation to others contributes to both our and their understanding of boundaries and mutual consent and the dynamic of the relationship. when we can recognize that we’re already constantly showing others how to treat us, what makes us happy, what makes us sad, what makes us feel seen and heard, the bigger, serious-conversation type boundaries become less scary — they’re simply a continuation of the relationship, instead of a sudden, abrupt swerve into new territory.
it can feel weird to directly address things instead of moving in the sort of unspoken, intuitive direction that a lot of intense relationships — especially romantic ones — seem to naturally unfold in. i think a lot of us secretly desire a relationship that doesn’t depend on words or direct addressing — we want to know that someone wants us, and to want them back, and to have it unfold without anything as nearly clumsy and vulnerable as having to say out loud what we want. words feels messy and imprecise, and much of our fantasies revolve around someone innately understanding us and our desires without us having to communicate them. we wish for a lover that will know our deepest fantasies and perform them without us having to ask for them, or we long for a first kiss that builds up over days or weeks of hanging out, no words necessary, just eye contact and the sudden electric charge between two bodies that then culminates in both parties leaning in simultaneously. these connections do exist, and are incredibly powerful, but we run the risk of misunderstanding one another or missing out on opportunities to get what we want when we refuse to articulate our desires based on the belief that the right person or people will know what we want and need without us having to explain ourselves or give them gentle suggestions in the right direction.
setting boundaries once a relationship is established is difficult, but it’s ultimately an opportunity to strengthen trust and minimize resentment. when i’m intimately involved with someone — romantically or not — and they ask to come over and i’m too exhausted to be around people, i am ultimately giving us both a gift when i say no or tell them i’m not capable of being around anyone at the moment. boundaries can feel like we’re depriving someone of something, but it’s less of something we’re withholding and more of something we’re actually giving. when i tell my best friend i’m too tired to hang out, what i am saying is this: i trust that our relationship is strong enough to not be reliant on whether or not we hang out tonight as planned, and i trust that you respect me enough to understand when i have to change plans or take time away from people. i am also saying, i respect our relationship and myself too much to say yes to things that feel wrong to me, and i love you and our connection too much to go out as planned tonight and then feel resentful tomorrow when i’m exhausted and feel like i was forced into doing something i didn’t want to do. people who don’t respect our boundaries or are incapable of honoring them are not people we want to spend time with. it can feel heartbreaking to realize someone we are in an established relationship with — whether they’re a love interest or family or a favorite friend — is incapable of honoring our boundaries, but what choice do we really have?
it’s excruciatingly painful to have to move away from people we still want to be around, especially once we’ve invested loads of time and emotional energy into them, but we deserve to feel mutually good in our relationships, which means we have to let go of the ones that don’t do this for us. maybe you’re afraid that the very nature of setting boundaries will drive people away from you; this can happen when people are raised in situations where their wants and needs weren’t really respected, or when their formative relationships outside of their home were predicated on them voicing as little of their true opinions and desires as possible. if this description resonates with you, maybe it’s time to practice some sort of affirmations or journaling exercises that identify where these beliefs come from and what exactly you’re challenging by asking for what you really want despite the anxiety you feel asking for it. it can be empowering to reframe asking for what we want as a way of breaking generational trauma or bad habits; it can help us to stick to our guns when we remember that we’re asking not only for ourselves but for our inner child as well, and even for the past generations of our family, especially those who may have been silenced by poverty or misogyny or racism. when we think of boundaries as a gift we can give, to others and ourselves and the long line of people who came before us, it can help us to recognize their importance and to actually enforce them, knowing that doing so benefits everyone involved, even those who are on the fringes or aren’t with us anymore.
ultimately all you can do is advocate for yourself and start practicing the things you want to do. it won’t be perfect, and it might feel messy and awkward, but boundaries help us weed out the people who aren’t actually good for us. you’ll also find your relationships deepening as you begin asking for what you really want and saying no to things that don’t feel good or add unnecessary stress to your plate; the people in your life who you practice them with will begin to recognize and honor a side of you that they previously didn’t know or interact with. i know that when the people in my life set boundaries with me, i’m usually impressed by their knowledge of self and self-compassion and their ability to see with crystal clarity what they do and don’t need in a given moment. i also learn more clearly what fills their cup versus what feels like too much for them, and can adjust my actions accordingly. give your friends that gift, and the good ones will recognize it as such and adjust their actions accordingly. and for those who don’t, you’ll have a better understanding of who they really are and what they’re capable of giving you, and you’ll be able to adjust their level of access to you accordingly. but you’ll never know if you don’t try.
xoxo,
jojo
p.s. click here to read more advice about setting boundaries!
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